I had the best/worst dream ever about Red (the non-fictional one)

For some reason he didn’t live that far away/I got a chance to visit him??

And I asked him why he disappeared, and he told me Ash didn’t pay his phone bill and lost service. 

His who were also Ash’s parents were complete butts and kind of redneck/homophobic?? They were way more like Red’s parents than Ash’s parents. :| Also they yelled at me for not being a good guest and making/bringing dinner and there was this whole thing with a bus and another friend of mine and catching fish and my dad but that’s not important.

I kept trying to get alone with him and his/Ash’s dad kept making it not happen >:C

And we had to like, whisper to each other and sneak kisses on the cheek (god I really really wanted to fucking kiss him properly but NOPE) and I kept telling him I love him and he kept being all like “omg you faggot i love you too god you’re a faggot” and aldsjflkadfjs I had to say goodbye and it was so awkward with asshole dad standing there and he had to give really stoic, one-word responses and I had to whisper and hug him quickly, which was weird because the dream flip-flopped between asshole parents seeing him as male and asshole parents misgendering him. ANYWAYS he promised he’d be online and we’d talk. 

And then like SURPRISE a day later I saw him again because apparently he only lives three hours away instead of like seven thousand hours away. And asshole dad was much nicer but didn’t acknowledge that I brought dinner like a “good guest” and then Red wasn’t doing as well and was running around the house without a shirt or binder on. And I was like HOLY GODDAMN RED I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR TITS OH GOD IT BURNS and his chest had all these really cool scars on it and I remember having the biggest urge to reach out and touch them but couldn’t because family around (who were apparently used to him running around without a shirt on) and felt horrible for thinking the thought “wow at least he has nice tits” because his chest was pretty small but WHO THE HELL THINKS THAT ABOUT A TRANSMAN and then I felt awful for thinking that and texted Light and Light convinced me I was not a horrible person. |D

Some of his family disappeared after a little while and Red like… Cuddled up on my lap because the people in the room didn’t care. And then I kissed him on the mouth and he wrapped his arms around me and told me “I really like your body, Fire” (he meant it in a “you are very attractive” way not a sexual way :U) and I like melted and died forever because kjgkfdjgskdffgjksd and I don’t remember if he was wearing a shirt at this point but I think he was?? Because I would have thought something of it if a half naked Red was in my lap.

At some point, Ash turned into Gayry who was apparently visiting despite being AN OCEAN AWAY. And it got time for me to leave again and I managed to get away from his family without suspicion and I was in his room with Gayry. And then I was kissing Gayry and was like WOW Gayry you’re a terrible kisser even though it was just really casual.

And then Red came in (wearing his shirt and binder thank god) and I kissed him again, and it was just really casual, but then we were like FUCK THIS and I opened my mouth slightly and he slipped his tongue in and HOLY GOD he was a really good kisser. And Gayry just sat there like OKAY WHATEVER no more kisses for me I guess :U 

And god I was live overwhelmed by emotion and FEELING EVERYTHING and didn’t want to stop kissing him but I did, and I told him I wanted him to get better and be okay and everything and I told him when he was, I wanted to be his boyfriend. And he smiled (GOD HE HAD A GORGEOUS SMILE…) and told me he wanted that, too. And Gayry was like OH SURE JUST LEAVE ME OUT OVER HERE and I was like GAYRY STFU WE CAN BE AN OT3 I MEAN WE PRACTICALLY ALREADY ARE BUT RED’S DENSE AS A BRICK SO I HAVE TO TELL HIM THESE THINGS OK

And it felt like it was going to be okay, and I left feeling confident I was going to talk with him again and someday maybe this wouldn’t all be so hard. 

And it’s so sad, it’s the worst because while I think this was a dream I needed to have, it wasn’t real and I don’t know if he’s even alive right now and I’m like practically in love with him but don’t know if he’s okay or if he’ll ever be okay. 

And I feel bad because I have feelings for Light too and in the dream I just contacted her when I needed her and I feel like that’s how it is in real life, too, and I just treat her like a source of comfort/RP and not my friend. Same with Gayry. Guhhhhh. 

TL;DR I am a faggot