It genuinely feels like there’s so much going on that my head is physically strained from all the things in it.

I don’t even have any problems. That’s the thing. The only problem I have is that everyone else has problems and I can’t do shit about it. 

I can spend $80 shipping things to my friends in foreign countries, send 30 Christmas cards to my friends, talk a friend through eating problems I know nothing about, talk someone down when they’re manic and suicidal, ease someone through depression, raise money for a friend in need, donate, tell people to go to this person’s page and give them some words of encouragement, draw something, write something, be the person who distracts someone long enough where they cry themselves into exhaustion and fall asleep.

But I can’t save anyone. I can’t make things better. I feel the small comforts I do offer just soften people for the next blow. I can’t and shouldn’t give anyone the idea that the world is nicer than it is, or that everybody is as good a friend as I am. 

Thinking like this is a lot like saying “You gave a homeless man lunch, but you didn’t help him at all because you didn’t end poverty”

I don’t know. I used to be so ill that I’d carve the words into my arm saying what a failure I was. The only thing that’d ever fix that would be a miracle, and a miracle is exactly what happened to me. 

And that’s the thing. I want everyone to have a miracle and just like that make it okay. I can make happy people happier and make sad people better, but I can’t do anything beyond that. 

And if something did happen, I’m going to blame myself. I’m so fucking selfish for just thinking about how peoples’ suffering affects me, god damn it. 

I know there’s a point where you can’t keep trying to fix the world and just have to look out for yourself but I can’tkdfjgkdjfgklsdfg

Or maybe I wouldn’t blame myself. I’d convince myself that sometimes people do hurt so much that there’s no other option and it’s for the best. Maybe not everyone can just heal. Maybe in rare cases it is for the best. That’s what I’d tell myself so it would hurt less for me. 

I need to chill.